You are the Fear of my Devotion

Moving On

2005-09-07T13:37:45Z

Due to circumstances beyond my control and to protect my own privacy I am going to cancel this LiveJournal account and open a new one. If anyone that is reading this is interested in being added to my new friends list, please contact me ASAP. I wish everyone all the best. I really want to continue writing but the fear that it may fall into the wrong hands is too great. I must do all that I can to ensure this is taken care of immediately.

Thanks for understanding!
Kimberly

Mistakes

2005-09-05T21:59:12Z

I almost made a HUGE mistake this afternoon. I logged onto MySpace and started reading around and what-not. All of a sudden, without even thinking about it, I ended up on Matt's site. What?!? Why on Earth did I do this?? It's not as if I miss him. I actually started writing a long e-mail to him and it occurred to me that I would be starting the vicious cycle all over again. In my ears was Crystella's voice listing all of the things he's done to me. Why would I want that back? I just don't know. I'm glad I actually stopped myself. It was the right thing to do. I really need to cool off from the events of this afternoon. I lost yet another friend. I guess I saw Matt as the rebound friend. But it's all so unnecessary. So I'm going to analyze my decisions (Matt and the recent friend loss) and make some changes. It's times like this when I wish I lived somewhere near Westland, Michigan. *sigh*

misskimberd @ 2005-09-05T09:55:00

2005-09-05T15:14:32Z

January 20, 2005

Only a week after my birthday and I was feeling kind of low. I'd lost an entire group of friends due to a stupid decision and now I was feeling more alone than ever. I had no one to turn to and began lashing out at the only people left in my life. My grandmother was living with us at the time. She always seemed to end up the brunt of my pain. Sometimes even the slightest comment from her would leave me angry at her for days. On Jan. 19th such an occasion arose. I don't even remember the context of our disagreement, I just remember going to bed angry. I woke up the next morning and chose to skip past her bedroom and go straight work, a mistake I will regret the rest of my life. While having breakfast with my Dad later that morning, my grandmother breathed her last breath. My Dad called the office to tell me the news and I immediately rushed to the hospital to be there. He said I wouldn't want to see her but I had to, we'd fought our last moments together. He said I would be traumatized from the way she looks but I just couldn't bear to not see her face one more time, no matter how it looked. The nurse took me down the long hallway into a small room where she drew back a curtain. There was a long, metal table with my grandmother's tiny frame under a shroud of sheets. The nurse asked me one more time did I want to see her and I nodded in agreement. She pulled back the sheet for me to see the face of a woman I no longer recognized. In my mind she'll always be the fun-loving, out-spoken grandmother of my childhood, not the shriveled old woman I saw that day. I let out a rather loud scream at the sight of this woman's face, the nurse covered her up, put her arms around me, which I promptly shrugged off and I walked back to the waiting room. The next few days were a blur. I kept waiting to hear her voice calling to me from the kitchen or her bedroom. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I swear I hear her calling my name. My Dad agrees that sometimes he hears it too.

So I will carry with me the memories of my grandmother's life. She drove an ammunition truck in Oklahoma during World War II. She was a waitress at James Coney Island in Houston where she met my grandfather. She had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and then my Dad with her 2nd husband. She and my grandfather moved to Hondo, Texas (40 miles west of San Antonio) in 1976 to be closer to my grandfather's family. I was born in 1977 and began spending as much time as possible with these two people who've influenced my life in so many ways. When my parents divorced in 1980, I lived with my Mom in Kansas and was allowed to visit my Dad every summer. For two weeks each summer, he drove me to Hondo and I spent my time with my grandparents. I remember the sound of a rooster that chose to do his "cock-a-doodle-do" anytime he felt like it as oppossed to first thing in the morning. My grandmother would take me to the local Dairy Queen, shopping at Wal-Mart and to the town's library, where I read every book I could get my hands on. We also spent a lot of time volunteer at the Four Seasons Nursing Home. This made me feel more connected to her than any other person in the world. And is the reason why every summer when the 2 weeks were over, I would cry the first hour we left them. I can still smell my grandfather's pipe, my grandmother's cooking and feel the material on the couch that was considered "Kimberly's couch." That couch, the most beautiful, comfortable couch in the world, is about to be the centerpiece of my new home. Reupholstered several years ago, it is a reminder that she is still with me, no matter where I go. Her rocking chair, also an important piece in my new abode, will be sat in as often as possible as a tribute to the memories of all the times she rocked in that same chair.

Almost all of the boxes are packed, only 3 more days I can begin moving these items into my new home. I've needed to get away from this house for years, the memories here are both happy and sad. But lately more sad than happy. It is time to move on from the bad times and start making some new memories.

misskimberd @ 2005-09-04T14:25:00

2005-09-04T19:33:58Z

So everyone I thought would want to hang out with me today, help me pack, watch some movies or just chill out at the casa, have chosen the "gas is too expensive" right now excuse. I'm not upset, just disappointed. I'm living in this house less than one more week and no one seems to care. I'm almost out of here. If you like within 30 minutes of north Fort Worth and you won't come to visit me now then why should I believe you when you tell me you will drive an hour one-way to see my new place? Just a thought... I've had not 1, not 2 but 3 different people make the same excuse. It's amazing how it seems to be such a popular one. You'll have to buy gas at some point, no matter the cost. ARGH!

So I'm here, alone at the house, packing up the bathroom stuff, watching Garden State for the 1,000,000th time. Dad is out tonight and all day tomorrow. Despite the fact that he told me repeatedly if he was free tomorrow we would spend the day together. Oh well. He keeps telling me not to worry about not seeing him once I move. Apparently he actually believes he'll be stopping by. I highly doubt it once Gail sinks her claws into him. They've already started looking at condos to buy for the moment I'm gone. I'm so glad I'm taking all of my grandmother's things with me before she sells them for 25 cents a piece in a garage sale.

So I just had a minor crying fit with Carlos. It had nothing to do with him but he was so thoughtful in his response. For some reason I'm really missing my grandmother today. I'll tell the whole story another time but for now, just know that she was someone I was very close to during my childhood (pre age 14) years. I know she'd be proud of me for getting out of the house and moving on with my life. I just wish she'd been here to see it.

misskimberd @ 2005-09-04T09:49:00

2005-09-04T15:03:40Z

I used to hate Sundays! I always saw them as the last day before going back to work. It always kept me worried and restless when bedtime rolled around. The best kind of Sundays are the ones that feel more like a Saturday. When they are followed by another day off!!! Labor Day rules!! I completely forgot it was a holiday weekend until this morning. I suppose I should've made some kind of exciting plans for the extra day, however it just gives me more time to pack stuff up for the move next weekend. Huzzah!!

Been spending a lot of time talking to Carlos the last few days. His plans last night fell through so we stayed up and chatted on Yahoo! He confessed that he's not a big phone talker. I respect that. As a matter of fact I appreciate that he was honest enough to let me know it just isn't his thing. Then he followed his answer up with a comment that made my heart melt. He told me that he might be willing to talk on the phone more if it was me he'd be talking to. I told him not to go changing his personality to suit me. I could live without phone chats. I was just surprised that's all.

So, Moving Day is 6 days away. I'm really close to having everything packed up and ready to go. Travis offered to help on Friday and then part of Saturday. I told him that I would much rather have him around help with the electronics than to move any furniture and other such stuff. He called yesterday and had to postpone his services because he promised he would spend time with an old friend at a Texas v. Ohio State party next Saturday. I told him he could come over anytime before or after the game and at the very least install my DVD player and computer. :) He seemed to be okay with that.

Bought most of my bed and bath stuff yesterday. Spent an entire day out shopping with Stacie. She gave me my very first house warming gift. A beautiful black coffee pot. I can't wait to use it. She asked a couple of weeks ago if I needed anything, well I knew Amy didn't drink coffee so a coffee pot made sense. She wrote me a very beautiful card and I couldn't help but mist up a little at opening the box. She made me promise to make plans to meet her new beau and maybe meet for coffee sometime after we get settled in. Also, she wants me to promise her an invite to the housewarming party. The whole world is invited to that party. Any LJers want to come? Let me know, I'll put you on the eVite list.

Went to see the baby last night. AJ is soooo beautiful. Absolutely perfect in every way. Tiny little fingers and a full head of the darkest hair I think I've ever seen. Robyn asked if I wanted to hold her and I was so terrifie that I had to decline. She kept asking and I was shaking so badly I just couldn't bear to hold her quite yet. I think I'll wait until they get home from the hospital. Rumor has it that is tomorrow. Yay! I wanted to post a picture of my favorite little bundle of joy but unfortunately I don't know how to do that so for now, I will leave you with a link to her grandmother's blog. Enjoy!

http://g-anny.blogspot.com

Happy Labor Day everyone!! Well, tomorrow anyway!

Good Times

2005-09-02T14:14:59Z

I swear the new Cinnamon Clusters from Chick-fil-A are a little bit of Heaven. It's one of my new favorite things for breakfast. Of course they're cheap and well, it's Chick-fil-A so there's nothing wrong with that.

Had one of the best dinners of my life last night. My Dad came home from a long day out house-hunting with his fiancee to ask me if I wanted to have dinner with him. What he neglected to tell me until we were on the road was that he'd already had dinner. He wanted just dessert and of course, my company. I saw his as an opportunity to get in some time with him. He thinks my social calendar is going to soar the moment I move out. And maybe he's right. Especially if a "certain someone" keeps in touch with me the way he has lately. ;) We're driving down the highway headed to Outback Steakhouse when I realize that it would be a lot more fun if I chose a place we don't go to very often. Or better yet, a place we've never been at all. And so we end up at the Cheesecake Factory. This place is truly evil. They have nearly 40 different flavors of cheesecake and one of the most extensive dinner menus I've ever seen. I ordered a steak and enjoyed every bite. Then came dessert, in between laughing fits, we ordered a Godiva chocolate cheesecake that was so amazing I didn't want to stop eating it. I ended up bringing half of it home to eat this weekend sometime. And then I came home, logged onto Yahoo! and immediately told "Mr. Wonderful" that it's a romantic place to eat and I would love to go there on a date sometime. I'm not one for subtleties so I just came right out and said it. I think it may have actually worked this time. A man who listens. What more could a girl want? Well, I guess this girl could actually want the free time to go out and get to know, "Mr. Wonderful." I think in an effort to get to know me better and to make up for the fact that our first date had to be re-scheduled, he should spend the weekend online talking to me. That's what I think. No reason to waste gas or sweat yourself to death in the horrible Texas heat. Spend it with me. Well, at least a virtual version of me. I'll be at home packing, thinking of you anyway. Can't wait to live closer.

And so it goes...

The Greatest Man I Ever Knew

2005-09-02T03:35:12Z

* Mascara Alert*

April 27, 2001

I'll never forget coming home from class to a quiet house. I went to my grandmother's bedroom to say hello. Then walked the 20 yards or so to my grandfather's bedroom where he was taking his afternoon nap. I wanted him to know I was home from class and would be taking a quick nap myself before heading to work. That nap and prep time for work was about 2 hours. When I came back downstairs at approximately 5:30 p.m. I found something I will never forget as long as I live. I knew something was wrong the moment I no longer heard the snoring of my grandfather, something I'd grown fond of in his 5 years of living with us. I turned the doorknob only to find him lying, breathless, legs outstretched at the end of his bed. His face, already gray and lifeless, I knew what was happening. My grandfather, who to some was one of the most difficult men to love, was one of the greatest men I'd ever known and he was gone. All I could think to do was scream. I began shouting at him to come back. Please, come back. What am I supposed to do? I immediately call my Dad to explain the situation knowing he will tell me to call 9-1-1. I follow the dispatcher's instructions to attempt CPR and she is brave in her decision to tell me there's nothing to be done, I should wait patiently as the ambulance will arrive shortly. I run down the hall, terrified to tell my grandmother that her husband is dead. "He's gone, Grandma." Is the only thing I can think to say. My cell phone rings, I'm hysterical, crying, screaming, furious for not being more attentive, being too tired to spend more time with him. I answer the phone to find my boyfriend of 2 years, Bryan on the other end. Without explaining much more than the tone of my voice, he rushes over to tend to my grandmother, while I take the longest ambulance ride of my life, grandfather in the back, to the hospital. All I can think to do is hold his hand. He's really gone. This is it. This is what it feels like. To be the caregiver of a loved one and be the last one to see them alive. Arriving at the hospital, it was busy but I heard nothing, no sounds, nothing, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. I kiss him on the forehead and walk down the long hallway to find my Dad...

Baby News!

2005-09-01T17:21:44Z

In the midst of all of the drama I've read on LJ today I wanted to shaine some light on my personal journal. :) My dear friend, Robyn had a beautiful baby girl at 4:27 a.m. Central Time. Her name is Avery Juliette (I've already taken to calling her A.J.) I'm going to try and visit them probably tomorrow sometime, once the family has had their time with the girls. Mom and baby are both doing very well. I spoke to Jamie (the father) a little while ago and he said all is well. Robyn left me a very nice voicemail around 8 a.m. alerting me that A.J. was here.

It's so surreal. My friends are having babies. They're getting married and having babies. And I'm just getting around to moving away from my Dad and living on my own. Now if only I had a love life I'd be on the right track. Huzzah!

misskimberd @ 2005-09-01T07:53:00

2005-09-01T13:03:28Z

Finally received confirmation yesterday that Justin has chosen to do the right thing and not to go to Baton Rouge this weekend. His family lives out there and he was still considering driving to see them. I told him (along with several others) that it was insane to go out there considering how many people are trying to get out due to the devastating hurricane. So, as a result, I am out $100 this weekend since I will not be dog-sitting. Part of me is happy I won't be there (boring with no one to talk to but I'd have free HDTV with surround sound and three beautiful puppies to play with). The other part of me is upset because as a result of this decision I had to cancel my date. I was looking forward to spending some time with him at least getting to know him better.

For those of you who live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area I will break down my decision like this. I currently live in the Fossil Creek (north Fort Worth) area. My dog-sitting job was in the Lewisville/Flower Mound area. I would've been house-sitting too so there would be no commuting. My date lives in Carrollton making it rather convenient for us to get together. However, with there being no dog-sitting to do, you can see my dilemma in not being able to afford to drive to Carrollton. With gas prices hovering near $3.00/gallon, it only makes sense economically to re-schedule. Unfortunately, I'm not sure he took the news very well. We ended our conversation rather abruptly. I'm sure I'm over-reacting. With all of the stress I've been under the last few weeks, I'm sure I'm just being paranoid. I suppose we'll see if he talks to me today.

Office will definitely be quiet today. Two of my co-workers are out of town. One is out on business, the other is in Maui with his newly-divorced girlfriend. My boss actually showed up before 8 a.m. which is new for him. We're always ragging on him for never showing up on time or early. Me on the other hand, still came in 30 minutes early. Even though I spent 2 hours with stomach cramps last night, trying to watch Gilmore Girls in an attempt to go back to sleep. I wanted so badly to talk to Carlos and I logged on only to find he wasn't online, had written a blog around 11:30 p.m. and went to bed. At this point he would've been asleep for nearly 2 hours so waking him with a text message to say I needed to talk, didn't sound like a good idea at all. So I suffered through it, fell asleep around 2 a.m. and woke up this morning feeling fine.

I guess there's work to be done. There's always work to be done. Yay!

Sleep Apnea

2005-08-31T20:37:25Z

Does anyone know anything about sleep apnea??? My father was diagnosed with it by his physician this morning and I'm curious what the symptoms are. Is there a cure that anyone knows about? From what I've heard over the years, it can be rather serious. He's forced to use an oxygen machine. I haven't seen it yet but it sounds a lot like the machinery that people wear in the hospital with all of the lovely tubes he has to stick into his nose. He's always been a loud snorer. Something I've grown accustomed to over the years. I guess I just want to know if anyone knows if it's hereditary. Should I be worried about him or even myself. We have no other living blood relatives so I can't really ask anyone for family history.

Thanks for any information you can provide.

~K

misskimberd @ 2005-08-31T08:16:00

2005-08-31T14:00:45Z

My morning has been interesting already. Work issues abound. Oh boy!!!! Thank goodness none of them are related to me. I just hate that things get so nasty so quickly around here.

Still debating about some of the services I'm looking to purchase in my new digs. Called Verizon yesterday and they quoted me a decent price for a package deal on DirecTV, DSL and a cheap phone line. Problem is the lady on the phone told me they bill a month ahead so basically our first bill would be for double the normal price. When talking to Amy, she freaked at the thought of having to cough up that much money right away. Especially with all of the other bills we have going on. So I think we've decided to just get Internet and phone for now and put off the cable for a bit. Now, of course, I'm going to go mad without my 600 channels to choose from and not a thing to watch strategy of television watching. And I guess I'll have to find some poor sucker to let me watch Raw with them on Monday nights (hmmm Carlos, are you reading this?? lol). We've talked about it quite a bit the last 24 hours and just think it would be more economical to wait a little bit longer. Perhaps once we get used to the bills we already have for a month or two, then we can add things on. She hasn't had cable for five years. She said she's so used to not having it that it was just a perk to actually be able to afford it. And of course the cable requires a credit check, a deposit (astronomical in price) and a monthly fee that exceeds the price of the Internet and phone together for the both of us. It's just not in the budget right now. I jokingly told Amy that at least I still have my Netflix account so we'll be stocked in movies for awhile.

I have a date this weekend. At least I think I do. I said something to my potential "date" last night that I never really thought about until I blurted it out over IM. I'm always hearing friends say that they don't want to date because they can't bear to be hurt again or because so-and-so did such-and-such. The thing is that the next person you talk to is most definitely NOT so-and-so and whether or not he will do such-and-such is still yet to be determined. Don't punish a new potential date for something that someone else did. Everyone deserves a fair shot. Especially if they had the courage to say hello first. Case in point, a gentleman messaged me yesterday, he's 41 (a few years past my standard age cut-off). He seems like a nice enough guy and in the back of my mind I was thinking I would never normally date him because of his age. And then it hit me. Why does his age matter? Just because I've never been out with an over 40-year-old before or because my previous experiences with older men online have been mostly disgusting attempts at cyber sex (yuck!) doesn't mean he is the same type of guy. It doesn't mean he's not either. It just means that I should be willing to give him a chance to prove that he either is or isn't. Not just assume one way or the other based on previous experience. I know a of this sounds like it should be common sense. However, I know from recent relationship experiences not only my own but those of friends and family members, that common sense doesn't always come into play when dealing with dating and relationships.

I've always tried very hard to be myself when online. Potential "suitors" would basically only be missing out on my voice if they chose not to meet me in person. I very rarely stray from my personality online. I don't change my habits or hobbies just because someone else doesn't like them. Another case in point, talking to Carlos last night and he mentioned something about an anime movie showing at the Inwood for Midnight Madness this weekend. Most people who know me are aware that I am not a huge fan of anime, LOTR, DND, etc. However, he made a compelling argument that I should give it a try for the sake of getting to know him better. It's something he's interested in. I watch Gilmore Girls and love sappy movies, he may have to get used to that. :P And then again, those may be the things we do when we're apart from each other. But it's part of understanding the delicate balance of relationships.

Okay, so I'm beginning to ramble and when I started this thing I had no intention of going down this road. But hey, maybe it will spark an interesting set of comments that could last until I go home for the day. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Jumping on the Bed

2005-08-31T04:13:24Z

My Dad did something tonight that he hasn't done in well...ever. He came home from the Ranger game and I had my back to the door, watching what else but Gilmore Girls. He says something about coming home long enough to change clothes and then he's going back out, I roll my eyes (which of course he can't see) and tell him to have a nice time. He walks away. Comes back a few minutes later, I have yet to move from my spot on the bed. He literally (I kid you not) JUMPS up behind me on the bed, gives me a giantic hug, tells me that he loves me, giggles to himself and then leaves.

I know for the last month or so I've been making a rather dramatic ordeal of my moving out. This is a monumental moment in my life. However, out of all the things my Dad and I have done together and seen over the years of my living in Texas, I think tonight's laughter and jumping on the bed, just might be the moment I remember most. It will remind me that he and I were once the best of friends. And that we finally had to say good bye to each other. He will be getting married soon and perhaps someday I will meet someone worthy of my love and devotion.

A story worthy of my readership...

misskimberd @ 2005-08-30T09:18:00

2005-08-30T14:21:55Z

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!

The moment may finally be here. Robyn is having contractions this morning. Little Avery Juliette could be here by the end of the work day. I'm so excited! Yay!!!!!! I will be taking tons of pictures and sharing them with anyone who wants to see this little piece of Heaven when she arrives.

I'll keep everyone posted. I'm staying in the office until word arrives that I should elsewhere. :)

Coca-Cola From the Sky?

2005-08-30T02:43:19Z

Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?

I've been watching far too many romance movies and TV shows lately. With the overabundance of attention I've been receiving online lately (for what reason I have yet to figure out), the freaks of the Internet abound. We'll start with an interesting story about a guy I talked for a span of about 10 minutes before he proceeded to call me a bitch.

He lives in Tyler, Texas. Not really convenient being that it's 3 hours away and not really my idea of a great start to a relationship but hey, the guy was nice enough to message me I figured why not give him a chance to prove himself. He shared a photo which I could barely make out for the bright light shining in the center of the picture. I'm not even sure how you manage to have this problem, but nonetheless, he asked if I liked his picture and I said, I can't see anything. He calls me a rude liar and then says that the least I could've done was lied and said it was nice instead of being a bitch and making something up. Then he proceeded to say some of the most interesting BS I've ever heard online. Making reference to my weight and how I'll never find a boyfriend if I keep up this attitude. Problem is, he never saw my attitude. He did 95% of the talking and it was all a load of bull. I saved the text, of course. And will be sharing it with my friends for months to come. It was something I couldn't help but laugh at. Kept me wildly entertained the rest of the day.

Then I come home to watch the most bizarre episode of Weeds on Showtime. It ended with a plane crashing into someone's house dumping tons of plastic bottles of Coca-Cola everywhere while the husband is in bed and the wife is coming out of the bathroom to end the show with her saying, "I have cancer!" It was the weirdest ending to a show I've ever seen. That will probably be the basis for a dream I'll have tonight. I mean I could NEVER make something like this up. What a twisted show. Yet I'll probably watch it next week just for a laugh.

I wish I could remember where I've heard the quote I wrote above. I think it's a movie, but I wish I could remember which one. I wanted to give it proper credit. C'est la vie.

Good night all!

Murphy's Law Strikes Again

2005-08-29T15:39:34Z

Great Monday morning everyone!!!!

Finished up the bulk of my packing over the weekend in anticipation of dog sitting over the Labor Day weekend. So far, my bedroom and the kitchen are completely packed up. Well, at least to the best of my ability right now. It's funny, I hardly ever watched my DVDs but as soon as I packed them I was desperate to watch something buried at the bottom of a box. Stupid Murphy's Law. So I ended up sleeping a lot over the weekend out of boredom. I'm groggy as well...you know...today. My stomach is still jacked up from whatever stomach bug I had on Saturday. Left me in bed doubled over in pain for most of the night Saturday. Then last night, finally had the desire to eat something and it made not only me sick but my Dad as well. Just peachy.

So tonight I'll be finishing up the packing, watching some more Gilmore Girls (I'm addicted), perhaps getting a few more things organized for the big move and so on.

A lot is going on in my head lately, but commiting it to the page is hard right now. I'd rather keep it to myself. Wow, could I be anymore vague?

Cranky Friday

2005-08-26T13:45:45Z

So I am extremely cranky this morning. I had to lift a rather heavy box and bring it into the office today without assistance. I'm not a fan of lifting heavy things given that I have a bad back. So naturally watching man after man after man walk past me without even so much as a "May I help you with that?" glance my way, I felt very angry upon arriving to the office this morning. So much that I unintentionally lashed out at a co-worker. And then cried after hanging up the phone with my Dad. I think the stress of moving is taking its toll on me. The fact that this weekend is my last weekend to actually pack things up is really freaking me out. Next weekend I am on doggie patrol in Lewisville. For those of you who know the Metroplex, Lewisville and Fort Worth are approximately 30 miles (one-way) apart. Not really up for commuting between the two all weekend. So, I'll stay with the dogs, watch TV, goof off and then go home sometime after Labor Day. Thank the Lord I'm being paid appropriately for my efforts. I could really use the money.

Anyway, back to work. Only here til 3. I love Fridays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

misskimberd @ 2005-08-25T08:37:00

2005-08-25T13:58:11Z

PF Changs was unbelievable last night. I had to valet park the place was so overcrowded. I walked in and was a few minutes early so I sat at the bar, ordered a White Russian (my favorite adult beverage) and proceeded to soak up the atmosphere. Didn't realize a Chinese restaurant would be such an interesting "after 5" hot spot. Lots of men in suits sans jackets but leaving their ties on. The ratio of male:female was easily 10:1. Then again, aside from me, I think most of the folks chatting it up in this establishment were over 40, not under 30, like myself. Still an interesting dynamic. I couldn't help but find myself intrigued by the conversations around me. My favorite part had to be listening to the men try and sound intelligent in front of their significant others (e.g. girlfriends/wives, whatever) by asking what kind of wines or vodkas were available. Then taking their time making a decision as if they knew the difference between one Shiraz and another. Most of these men didn't like they knew much more than the difference between a red and a white wine. But then again, I don't. Well, okay, maybe a little. My Mom is the wine connisseur.

Dinner was spectacular. Conversation was great. We had more leftovers than I could ever imagine including about half of the Great Wall of Chocolate. If anyone knows PF Chang's this is definitely worth going to the restaurant for. It's a huge slice of chocolate cake, complete with chocolate cream layers and chocolate chips and then drizzled with raspberries. I actually ate light at dinner so I could spend more time enjoying this chocolate creation. Delicioso!!!!

Drove home thinking of how nice the evening went and wondering how different it would've been had I had a date with me. Yes, the numbers would've been thrown off (it was a party of 4 to begin with) but at the same time I wonder if the time has come for me to make a decision about dating someone. I've had a few options lately and have chosen for one reason or another not to take the chances. Primarily because I've chosen to be picky this time around. I have what I would call "dealbreakers." These are things I can NOT and will NOT go back on. Things that will keep anyone who does or has these things from dating me. The main ones at this point in my life include smoking, having children and not being religious. Now, I must admit, the last one is something I've fallen back on a lot lately. When I stopped attending church in January things were different in my life. Things are even more different now. I haven't turned to "Him" in quite some time. However, being raised in the church, I know that no matter what happens in my life, at some point I will go back to Him. This is an inevitability I have known all of my life. He will always be there. It is part of who I am. And knowing that at some point in my life, marriage and children will come into play, it is only fair and right that anyone I date (or have a romantic interest in) understand that raising these children in a Christian household is the only option. This is not up for interpretation and/or debate. I will NOT back down. Despite my hiatus from the Christian world, I know now more than ever this is what I want and certainly what I need. Everyone has their "quirks" I suppose. Mr. Right is out there for me, I will most likely meet him when I get involved in church again. But until then, I'm enjoying the single life I've laid out for myself. Christianity or not.

My perfect man so to speak will have to love redheads, U2 and Mexican food, first and foremost. I hope this isn't a problem for you, Mr. Right. Do I call you Mr.? Perhaps you're the illusive M.R. for now.

A Poem for Me?

2005-08-24T19:45:08Z

I was thinking about love and romance and how my life has an overwhelming lack of both. I remember a time in my life when getting a boyfriend was the #1 priority. Not so much these days. I like the idea but every time I meet someone worthy of going out with, he ends up disappointing me. Why can't things be like they were when love was new? Here's a poem, written for me and about me several years ago, back when I was in love.

Compassion Unchallenged.
Friendship Unmatched.
A personification of beauty,
A great outflow of love,
Coupeled with unquelled strength.
A beacon of love and trust
A refuge of hope.
Unbidden I am drawn to her,
The greatest of friends I have ever known.
A heart of unknown sorrows,
Though confided in me.
At a loss for words an unspoken bond
A hope unquelled and deeply sought,
A well of love left untapped.

To call those the good old days would be a lie. It was another time, I was a younger, foolish person. But the love we felt for each other seemed so real. I'd love to have it back, just with someone else this time.

Happy Credit Day

2005-08-24T19:32:30Z

Been having minor credit issues for the last several months and wasn't sure where the problem started. Received my credit report only to find that for the last 6 months Sprint has been reporting that I have an unpaid bill with them. Not true. Until April of this year, I hadn't had an account with them since 1999. And so it begins. I was on a rampage looking for some kind of documentation proving that this puppy had been paid in full. And then it comes in the form of packing last night. I find the paperwork I've been searching for, made a call this morning and my $283 balance has now been changed to $0. And as of today, my credit report should be free and clear of this outstanding debt. Hopefully that will boost my credit score. Thank God, I was approved for my apartment lease anyway.

So it's time for a Chandler's happy dance. Huzzah! Who's gonna be the first congratulate me?

misskimberd @ 2005-08-24T08:32:00

2005-08-24T13:52:22Z

My Mental Health Day was amazing. Spent most of it with my Dad out shopping and running errands. It was nice to just have a little time off to get things done. Bought a couple of cute work outfits, some new shoes, boxes for moving and even had lunch with a friend of Dad's. Then Robyn (awww, sweet 9-months pregnant, Robyn) came over and helped me box stuff up. She brought me sweet tea and we spent several hours just chatting about everything that's been going on. I hadn't seen her in over a month and felt guilty about letting our friendship fall apart the way it did. Thank goodness for her being a forgiving person. It's all water under the bridge and I am officially on her short list of people to call the moment she goes into labor. Yay! She was officially due yesterday but so far...nothing! She's having a girl and she will be naming her Avery Juliette I believe is the official name.

To Do List for Wednesday (HUMP Day):

1. Tons of fun in the office, trade show stuff, Aviation issue assignments, edits and re-writes
2. Dinner @ PF Chang's tonight with family and friends
3. Pack a little more
4. Start Disc 4 of Gilmore Girls Season 1
5. Take a picture of myself in this new outfit, I look HOT! lol
6. Have a great day! :)

Mental Health Day

2005-08-23T14:32:13Z

So I've spent far too much time lately burning the candle at both ends, worrying about how everything is going to work once I move, my job, my social life, my family, etc. I decided today was the day to take a much-needed day off. Dad decided he would join me. We're having breakfast together, going shopping, running errands and so on. Then of course out of guilt (knowing me) I'll come home and work while my Dad's at the Ranger game tonight. It's just too hot to be outside for that long. And of course the Rangers are stinking the place up lately (sorry boys).

My Dad's been so good to me lately, I hardly deserve it.

Welcome Home

2005-08-19T13:08:39Z

I've never been addicted to something so arbitrary before. I mean a web site. I used to make fun of people for being tethered to their electronics. And then along came MySpace, the site to end all sites. I could read blogs, emails and profiles and it was user-friendly, I couldn't stop. It was my Vicadin (only I'm already enough like Chandler with the hyperactivity without the drugs I suppose you may have thought I was already on it). Found old friends, made new ones. Then one day I realized, perhaps it's time to move on. In order to totally and completely forget about someone that was on that site I must walk away from it. I must realize there's more to life. Or perhaps find a new addiction. And so I have. Oh dear LJ, where have you been all my life? While MySpace is a little easier to navigate, I must admit that you are much less critical of me as a person. In the span of two days I've received more emails and comments than the entire time I was on MySpace. I'd always heard the LJ crowd was more welcoming and friendly. I just never thought they'd be so nice to me. :) So this is my new home. I've already made new friends, had offers to help me move, people to cook for me on moving day, buy boxes for me, etc. Why didn't I realize sooner?

Multiple entries, here I come! Huzzah!

More Moving Hoopla

2005-08-18T14:46:49Z

So it just occurred to me even though I've said it a million times in my head and on paper that I'm loving in just over 3 weeks. And I've been given a major project at work that requires I work weekends. I could use the money but what I could also use is a way to manage my time. I'm terrible when it comes to overtime projects. I can think of hundreds of things I'd rather be doing and all I can think about are those other things. So I think I've made one decision so far about this. I'm going to skip packing on Saturday and spend one entire day (as close to 8 hours as possible) either at home or in my office doing nothing but working on this project. Once I get a feel for how it's going (could be really easy, could be complicated and hardly worth the effort) then I can better manage the time I'll spend on it. Then I will take Sunday off from work and do nothing but pack up my closet.

I could use packing ideas. Anybody know where I can get some cheap boxes? Anyone have a truck I could borrow for a day? Any thoughts on moving in general (rules I should know).

Suggestions are welcome! :)

Moving Day

2005-08-18T13:17:35Z

Moving day is almost here. T-minus 24 days and counting. Sept. 10th is the big day. I'm still trying to recruit more people to help us get the job done. I need at least one more burly guy who already has a truck we can use. That way I'll have two guys and two trucks. I've emailed my new roommate this morning asking if she will need their services as well. If for some reason she does then I think I'd like to up that amount from 2 guys to 4 but I know for a fact that I'm going to need 2 trucks to haul my stuff. I would like to make only one trip to Dallas. I'd hate for someone to be forced to drive from Dallas to Fort Worth not once but twice. My roommate already lives in the complex so that makes moving her stuff relatively easy. And we're on a bottom floor. Of course we're both currently on top floors but at least it's moving down not up. :)

So my plan for the weekend is to buy some boxes and really tackle the closet. Last weekend I had every intention of getting that stuff done but of course I got sick. Blah!!!! So long as I'm not exposed to any nasty Mexican food tomorrow I should be fine this weekend. Ha! Ha! I found a storage place near the house that is selling boxes, hopefully I can get some there relatively cheap. In my mind once I get the closet done, everything else is cake.

So it's about to be me, a cup of java and some Virgin Radio UK to settle in for the morning. Traffic looks nasty out on 635 (can see the highway from a window near my desk) so everyone will end up being late.

Awwww, Fix You by Coldplay just came on. This day is shaping up to be a good one already. Huzzah!

misskimberd @ 2005-08-17T12:02:00

2005-08-17T17:22:01Z

The single life. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I really hate it. The days I love it are the days when I have no one to answer to and nothing to do but lay in a bubble bath and enjoy some "me" time. The days I hate it are when I've had a string of 7 nights of the same thing every night and I wish I had someone to jump in the tub with me. But I am 28 years old and I'm proud of the fact that I have no failed marriages or children to worry about. Not that a husband and family hasn't been on my mind. I just want to wait until I meet "The One." So far I haven't had the butterflies that come with knowing you've met Him.

Over the years I've had a handful of long-term relationships (LTRs). My first serious one was at the tender age of 19. His name was Joe and he was everything I thought I wanted in another human being. He was 24. Yes, five years older than me. We worked together. He eventually was fired for being incompetent (yes, I should've seen this as a sign but didn't) and he began mooching off me for the next few months. Then about 4 months into the relationship he was pulled over for running a stop sign and was thrown in jail to pay off unpaid parking tickets. I pleaded with my Dad to bail him out and $3,000 later he did. I thought I loved this guy, who never paid my father back and who after his brief stint in jail never spoke to me again.

The next serious one after that would have to be Bill. Bill and I were together for 10 months. He never had any money and he was a chain smoker, two things that to this day I find repellent. Oh and he had terrible teeth but we won't go into details there. He was good to me for the most part but after awhile I just grew bored of him. I think he's married with a trailer full of kids now.

Bryan is the one that changed everything. We met in 1999 about 3 months after my Bill break up. We met through match.com and things were great in the beginning. Then it became routine. I started letting things slide because I was desperate to have a boyfriend (ladies I'm sure you'll agree with me that we've all been there). We ended up together for just over 3 years. Shortly after we broke up, he met his wife and they now have a beautiful daughter, Annelise. I'm not friends with him or anything but through attending the same church for awhile I met his wife and daughter a couple of years ago.

This jaded me on relationships for awhile. So now I'm just patiently awaiting the arrival of someone new.